


Until We're Home Again

by pietromavximoff



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Marauders Era - Fandom, jily - Fandom, marauders - Fandom
Genre: Angst for days, F/M, okay this started out fluffy and turned out angsty honestly I don't know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-29
Updated: 2016-11-29
Packaged: 2018-09-03 01:06:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8690581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pietromavximoff/pseuds/pietromavximoff
Summary: Sirius and Remus ditch Lily and James so they can study (also so they can admit their undying love for each other, but mainly to study) and they both realise how much they like each other and how much time they've wasted being stubborn. Also may or may not include Lily kissing James and Sirius crying out of happiness.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ok I haven't written in ages so sorry that this is messy and unstructured idk

Lily Evans was not someone people could say no to. Usually, she didn’t think she had any charm at all, but glowering looks she got from others when she proclaimed this belief told her otherwise. So, she supposed that when she did try use her charm, it would almost certainly work where her usual amount of unconscious charm did not. It had worked on Slughorn, where she had simply had to complement his set of new robes to get herself an extra minute to work on her euphoria potion, which earned her tops marks (though Alice had said stated she most definitely would have gotten top marks regardless), it had got Remus to admit to liking Sirius to her – all she had to do was pretend to like him herself, batting her eyelashes with all the charm of a love-struck idiot (much like Remus and Sirius themselves if she was honest) that made Remus automatically irritated enough to admit it to her. The only one her charm didn’t work on was James Potter.  
She used to think it did whenever he would do things that she asked, but she quickly realised that that was because he liked her. Once they hit their sixth year, however, she had had a shock when she had snapped at James during Potions class that it was his fault that their potion was melting their cauldron, and he had snapped right back. It wasn’t that she was used to him agreeing with anything she said, but she had never expected to have so little control when it came to James. Unlike everyone else she knew, she couldn’t predict him at all. Not like she could Remus, who she had known would rush straight to Sirius when asked to kiss the most attractive person in the room. Or Marlene, who would always tie a purple string around her pinkie finger to remind herself things she’d forgotten, but would count on Lily to remember why when she couldn’t.  
She’d had a year to adjust to this James, to his sudden unpredictable impulsiveness yet controlled words, his blazing passion for things he loved and intense hatred for those he didn’t. She’d had a year to wonder if he even liked her as a friend anymore.  
So when she asked James that warm Friday morning, leaning over Sirius as she braided his hair, if he wanted to go out during their free period and study, and by study she meant sit under the birch tree in the grounds that shaded them from the sun and try to bully their brains into focussing, she understood why she had to fight her voice to sound casual. She had no idea what he’d say.  
But Lily was not someone people could say no to.  
‘Alright Evans, but if you start drawing up flash cards on Goblin Revolutions like last time you’re on your own.’  
‘Remus and I would love to join you, of course.’ Sirius turned to Lily when she had fastened his hair with a band. A grin spread across his face that made Lily sure he knew how she felt. She was spared answering by Remus.  
‘But we can’t.’ He had just taken the seat across from them, next to James. His eyes were tired and his face pale, but he shared the same knowing smirk with Sirius and Lily wondered at how he could be so happy just staring into the eyes of someone else. She wondered if it was more dangerous to reply on someone else for happiness, or yourself.  
‘We told McGonagall we’d help her with that thing, remember?’  
In Lily’s opinion, Remus could not be more obvious if he tried, especially with Sirius’ eye roll at his words.  
James, however, was focussing on reading the paper, and had grown deaf to his surroundings.  
‘Right. That thing.’ Even Sirius sounded like he didn’t believe the lie. Lily was starting to think that they were only saying this for her benefit, not James’. After all, James was now scratching his head with the tip of his wand and definitely not listening to them at all. She shot them a look with narrowed eyes and they grinned without a trace of shame.  
‘Alright, Re. To the thing.’ Sirius leapt up off the table and tugged on Remus’ sweater until he followed him out of the great hall, a look of settled exasperation on his face.  
‘Guess it’s just the two of us then.’ James had finally looked up from his paper and was watching the place Sirius and Remus had just disappeared from with mild interest.  
A flower of panic began to bloom in her chest. She had really relied on the company of the other two to make things less awkward. Not that they would be awkward. Not that there was any reason for them to be awkward. She shook her head to get rushing thoughts away.  
‘Guess so.’  


James stood up and collected his bag, Lily did the same. They walked out of the Great Hall in silence, passing by Marlene, who was talking to Professor Slughorn, no doubt about her failing potions. She paused long enough to shoot a wink before turning back to the Professor to resume arguing vehemently that she did not know Potions was a class you could fail.  
Lily and James settled themselves under the birch tree by the lake, spreading their books across the grass while the sun poured in patches through the leaves. Lily rolled over to lay on her stomach as James leant back against the trunk of the massive tree. The warm breeze played with Lily’s hair as she read over James’ notes. After a few minutes, James shifted restlessly, moving his legs around before settling against hers. Neither of them seemed to notice. James’ eyes kept darting above the notes to the back of Lily’s head. As she moved her arm slightly, he imagined that she was frowning a little, a light crease in between her eyebrows as she wrote.  
They did this for an hour, before James finally said. ‘I think my voice is gone from disuse.’ A moment silence, then, ‘nope. Never mind.’  
Lily turned around, a hand underneath her chin as she leant. ‘That’s got to be some kind of record. The longest you’ve been quiet for.’  
‘Har bloody har Evans.’ But James was grinning.  
Lily squinted as the sun hit her face, making her green eyes blaze like emeralds. She noticed a leaf had fallen into James’ hair. Golden and small, and if there were more on the ground Lily imagined making a crown to fit his dark, messy halo.  
As she thought, James watched her carefully, and he knew he had to tear his eyes away from her before he started counting the freckles on her cheeks.  
‘Why don’t we head back?’ He asked, already hating himself for it.  
Lily tried not to let disappointment show on her face. ‘Yeah, sure.’ When she got up and turned to see him following, the leaf was gone.

They walked back in silence. James didn’t know what had made him say that, he only knew that if they had continued to stare at each other for another second, his mouth would no longer be in his control. And she didn’t like him like that, she’d told him herself the previous year. And he had lied, and said the same. He’d had to be told hundreds of times when they were younger, and he promised long ago that he wouldn’t ask again, ever. He liked her too much to be the one to ruin what they already had. And they had something. He couldn’t quite describe it if you asked, but no-one needed to ask. Lily and James, everyone knew, just were. Lily and James were the ones bickering in transfiguration over who deserved top marks because “hey, your cat has horizontal stripes and mine are diagonal and that’s much closer to vertical”. They were the ones almost always in front of the fire in the Gryffindor common room, someone’s head on someone’s legs and someone’s hands playing with someone’s hair. They were the ones throwing Snargaluff Pods at each other in Herbology laughing their heads off while they did. They were Lily and James, and he was not about to make it any different. It was the end of seventh year, and they had this. They were leaving a lot behind, but they had something that couldn’t be taken.

They spent that afternoon in the library, finding Sirius and Remus occupying one of the tables. Sirius raised an eyebrow and Remus looked from James to Lily for an explanation as to why they were there, but neither said anything that would sound like something was wrong to the other. There wasn’t any rational explanation that James could give, anyway. It’s not like he could’ve said that he was too scared to be alone with Lily long enough for his mind to start to wonder what her eyes looked like when she first woke up in the morning, or what the reason she had broken up with David McGinn two months ago was when she had never really given anyone a reason, including said ex-boyfriend. And it’s not like Lily could sound anything less than selfish if she admitted that she was falling for James faster than Devil’s Snare could strangle, after he had told her the previous year that he wanted them to be friends, and he didn’t like her like that anymore. As if she’d sound anything less than stupid if she said she really believed him. It’s true, he didn’t look at her the same way he used to, but then again, she had stopped looking for signs long ago. Maybe this is how they were meant to be; forever back and forth, unloading their pain onto each other every time they swapped feelings. James had had to bear it for years, pining for her even as young as they had been, and now it was her turn. And now that they were older, it was much worse. It was worse because instead of James getting annoyed whenever she’d hold hands with her second-year crush, the simple kind of annoyed you can only get when you’re twelve, it was Lily feeling as though she’d been forced to swallow glass a month ago when she saw James walking through Hogsmeade with an arm around a girl she’d been forbidden strictly by Marlene never to even try learning her name. It was this and that, but never what she wanted.

Time moved quicker with Sirius and Remus, and before they knew it, it was lunch time. As they packed up their bags and headed to the Great Hall, Sirius caught her by the arm and slowed her down so she walked beside him. Remus, taking the hint, sped up so he was walking side-by-side with James and engaged him in a conversation no doubt meant to distract.  
‘Re and I give you two the perfect opportunity to confess your undying love to each other and this is how you repay us?’ Sirius was less than impressed.  
Lily spun to look at him. ‘You’re not still on about this, are you?’  
‘Of course I am.’ Sirius maintained his apathetic manner.  
Lily rolled her eyes, but she felt the hint of a smile on her face. Struggling to wipe it off, she said, ‘well he doesn’t like me anymore and I don’t –’  
‘If you seriously try and convince me again that you know my best mate better than I do, I’ll call for Peeves to spill a bottle of ink over your head.’  
‘Okay,’ she hissed, painfully aware that James was within hearing range.  
‘So you two will go back out and study and confess your undying love for each other?’  
‘Only if you’ll stop with this undying love stuff.’  
‘When you stop denying it Evans, is the day I stop.’  
Lily shook her head in exasperation and Sirius grinned, nudging her lightly.  
She couldn’t concentrate through lunch. Worry for exams would be eating her alive, but James’ laughter kept breaking through her thoughts, his voice echoing in her head. And she realised why.  
Besides all of her contradictions, however many times she lied about not feeling that way about him, he was still James. He was still her best friend. Not in the kind that James and Sirius were, no, they were best friends the way that having the same sense of humour were and caring for each other like brothers were. No. Her and James were best friends in the kind two hearts beat to the same rhythm were. To her, they weren’t two separate people anymore. They had come together since their sixth year, when something inside both of them had clicked, and this time, unlike all the other times moments had been shadowed by immaturity or jealousy or dislike, it was right. Lily sat there with the kind of heavy realisation you get when you suddenly understand that the person you’re looking at across from you is your soul mate. After that, she stared at the table and felt too overwhelmed to eat another bite.

Sirius, Remus, James and Lily had settled in the common room after lunch, intent on studying, but once James had pointed out the bug on the bottom of the window outside, they had made a point to watch its journey up to the top, and when it had reached its destination, they made another point to point out every mundane thing if it would provide their minds with relief from studying.  
After Sirius had announced for the fifth time that he had seen another bat fly past, Remus turned to Lily, saying something.  
‘What?’ Lily looked up, aware that he had said something but not aware enough to have been listening.  
Remus frowned slightly, noticing something was wrong. He was about to ask when she shook her head, finally settling the mental war she’d been having with herself.  
She had been so stupid, this whole year, always completely ignoring her feelings and pretending that if she never said anything, maybe they’d vanish. And this was it. The last days of their school years, maybe even the last time they’d be together, and she had potentially wasted all the time her and James could have had. Suddenly, every second that she sat there seemed like an hour, and she couldn’t wait another hour to tell him.  
‘James.’ Her voice was soft but James head turned all the same, the burning fire glowing bright against his cheek.  
Lily didn’t have words. Instead, without really realising what she was doing, she got up and walked the stride it took to get to him, bent down so she could reach him where he sat on the couch, but he was already standing, already knowing what she was about to do, and his hands had just found their way to her waist when their lips met. Sirius and Remus might have been screaming cheers but they did not hear a thing (they were in fact screaming themselves hoarse).  
They broke apart a few seconds later, barely aware that the whole of the common room was staring at them and Remus was wiping away Sirius’ tears of joy, and somehow managed to untangle themselves from each other. It was a blur getting out of the common room, but once they had, it was clear where they were headed. They didn’t talk, just kept their hands locked as they walked out of the castle and onto the grounds towards the lake, stealing looks of disbelief at each other through grins.  
They leant against the drooping tree, James chasing invisible patterns up Lily’s thigh with delicate fingers as laughs and shouts rang out through the grounds. A group of third years were attempting to skip pebbles across the lake, but after a while, gave up and left. The sky was cloudless, the sun white in the sky.  
They talked for what seemed like hours. About how James had never really stopped feeling for her how he felt now, about how Lily had felt it and tried so hard to make it go. About how both of them agreed that Sirius and Remus had been right all along and they had been unbelievably stubborn. But something else was bugging Lily, he could tell. It had been on his mind as well for weeks, months really, but he waited for her to say it.  
‘You know you can tell me anything, Lils.’  
Lily brushed a leaf off her knee before answering, grateful that there was an opening in between their laughter and kisses and soft, whispered words, to tell him what had been worrying her.  
‘Sometimes . . . sometimes I don’t feel anything at all.’ Her voice was soft, so soft that James thought that if it was a flower, its petals would be carried away by the wind.  
He felt a sharp pain in his chest; there she was, spilling her heart to him because she trusted him. Finally. It had taken them a while to get there, but now that they were, it seemed inevitable that they would. And there he was, feeling bad because he thought that her pain made her glow, and his ears sharpened at her uncertain words because he knew he couldn’t fill in the gaps of her hesitation. He would listen to her, all of her, and when she was done, his words would be there if she wanted to hear.  
‘We’ve grown up with this. Knowing there’s a war coming. Feeling unsafe but still safe enough to know we’re safe.’ She turned to look at him, and her eyes were wide and searching. ‘It’s all gonna change now, isn’t it?’  
It seemed like she wasn’t really wanting an answer, and James wasn’t really wanting to give her one. Yes. It’s all gonna change now.  
And not just because of the war. Her unsaid words hung in the air between them.  
They were studying for their last N.E.W.T, and after today, other things would change as well. Not just because of the war. But because they were growing up. He knew he’d taken a lot of things for granted, but he’d never expected he’d be at the end of his schooling years and wonder how time had gone so quickly. And suddenly, Lily looked at him and he looked at her and they both had the same sinking feeling. The feeling you get when you know something tragic is about to happen, and there’s nothing you can do but go through it. They’d all been worrying about such bigger things, children preparing to be soldiers, that they’d never really taken the chance to understand that maybe the saddest thing of all wasn’t what lay ahead of them in the distant, unknown future. Maybe the saddest thing was right now, in that moment that green eyes met hazel, and they knew that the next few days would be full of last times.  
And James had realised lots of things that he had never thought to appreciate fully, had already happened for the last time and would never happen again. Not in the same place, not with the same people.  
The last time Sirius would wake everyone in the dormitory up, once a month, with his rendition of Here Comes the Sun by the Beatles (no thanks to the record Lily gave him for Christmas) as Remus tried to walk in quietly after nights in the hospital wing, a hint of a smile through his bruised lips when he looked at Sirius. The last time James would look up and see McGonagall watching him with sharp eyes because she always knew the second he was going to pass a note to Sirius in detention. The last time they’d listen to the Sorting Hat’s song and watch the new nervous first years fidget uncomfortably. Oh god, the start of the year seemed so long ago already, what on earth had they all done in the time between then and now?  
‘I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.’ Lily’s voice didn’t cut through his thoughts, because it was welcome there. Their heads were resting against each other and they were looking up at the sky through green and gold leaves, but he knew her eyes were closed. ‘Before the war happens. Leaving school. Leaving each other.’  
‘We’re not.’ James was surprised at how strong his voice was. Lily’s head moved and she turned to face him. ‘We’re never gonna leave each other. You, me, Re and Sirius, we’re all gonna be right here, together. Until the very end.’ Under different circumstances, his words would sound lamer and Lily would probably roll her eyes and tell him that his dramatics could match Sirius’, but she didn’t say a thing. They were about to leave, and it wasn’t in two years’ time or whenever they were ready, it was now.  
Lily nodded once, slowly. ‘They never really tell you what it’s like, do they? Leaving?’  
James shook his head, their fingers still tangling together. ‘Everyone says they’re leaving home when they’re older, but when you’re not ready to go . . . when home can’t be home anymore . . . what do you do then?’  
‘I guess you find a new home.’  
James had known all along, deep down, that they were his home. Remus and Sirius and Lily, he had always been home with them. They carried bits of him with them just as he carried bits of them with him. And after they were gone, the pieces of them would still be there, but pieces he’d took would be missing.  
‘Whatever happens, I’m glad we didn’t waste our time.’ Lily said with a smile on her face.  
‘But we could’ve told each other, we could’ve had ages – ’  
‘But it would’ve changed things. It could have changed us. We did have ages, remember?’  
And James was suddenly remembering the first time he saw her, in a compartment on a train on the way to a strange new place that was now their home, her green eyes flashing and a smile he didn’t have to see to know. He remembered every time after that, up until right now, and knew that she was right. They had had time, so much time, and however it had been spent, he wouldn’t change any of it. Because they were sitting there right now and she was looking at him with those same green eyes and smiling that same smile that he’d always somehow known, and it felt like even though they had moved pieces of themselves into each other throughout it all, they were permanent now, they were stuck, and the pieces of each other would be there forever.  
A while later, Sirius and Remus joined them. They hadn’t even bothered to bring their notes, and it was a mark how strong the friendship was that they had all silently agreed to accept what came, and if they failed, they failed together, because right then in that moment, they were going to joke and laugh and stay there as long as they could before it all changed. 

It was sad because they were there for the last time. It was even sadder because they knew it. But there was something quite brave about not knowing the undeniable sadness of their future, but knowing they would have to go on, and choosing to laugh in the face of it and embrace it together.  
James’ hands hadn’t let go of Lily’s, and he had a feeling that if he did it wouldn’t matter, because she wouldn’t let go of his. He knew this was the last time they’d all be there, all of them together, in that moment. But if he got stuck in that thought, he would look back on this memory and remember that feeling. He’d remember it was the last time. So he didn’t. He pretended like it was another day, another night, and tomorrow Sirius might be waking him with a present to the face on Christmas morning of their second year, the first time he’d had a bloody nose, or a rainy morning and a prolonged groan because it was the first day of fourth-year exams and Remus hadn’t slept a wink, or the morning of the first match of the Quidditch season when Lily’s voice had been the only thing he’d heard amongst the thousands of others.

Time had gone so fast that they’d forgotten that this wasn’t just an end, but a beginning as well. And they’d been starting to suffocate with actions not yet done and words not yet said, but not anymore. They’d have their whole lives for that. As long as they had each other, they’d be home.

 

After James and Lily had died, Sirius would be sitting down at the kitchen in Grimmauld Place and Remus would walk in, and he’d have streaks of grey in his hair and Sirius would have lines on his face, but he’d be humming a song that would take them back to everyday after the full moon in Hogwarts, and they both feel that young again for a second. Harry would make a face exactly like James used to when looking at his History of Magic notes and Remus would almost drop the mug of tea he was holding. Sirius would hear laughter coming from downstairs in his house and he wouldn’t need to look at Remus to know he had paused in picking up his sweater off the ground, and they’d both sit on the bed for a moment, lost in echoes of James’ laughter. And every time they’d look into Harry’s eyes, they saw Lily. They saw the crinkled lines around them as she laughed, they saw them wide and terrified, they saw them closed, and both pretended like they were only seeing her asleep, and they might open like the time they did in surprise the moment James began to flick water at her face after a particularly long day of studying in their fifth year.  
They had never talked about Remus going to the funeral alone, but Sirius knew he still saw it in his sleep. At least he didn’t have to see them right after it had happened, their bodies bent and broken and eyes staring at nothing. At least he was spared that.

James and Lily didn’t have a curse. They had died young and far too soon, but that wasn’t their curse. Their curse was what they left behind. That was much worse. Sirius and Remus had to stay and suffer through it. Knowing that James wouldn’t be there to throw a pillow at Sirius’ head when he started singing at three in the morning or be there to piggy-back Remus everywhere even though he’d insisted he was fine after the full moon was their curse. Knowing that they wouldn’t be home until they could all be reunited was their curse. When they were a bit younger and a bit less tragic, Sirius and Remus and James and Lily all had magic. Not the kind of magic they did with their wands, but magic that made their eyes bright and their stomachs ache with laughter. It was what had brought them together and what Sirius and Remus lost after they were torn apart. It was their curse of dying young that none of their moments could happen again, and Sirius and Remus would be forced to endure the torture their memories inflicted upon them until both of them, first Sirius, then Remus, followed them into the darkness. And they’d leave chaos in their wake, but they’d be together again, whether it be squished on a couch in front of the fire in Gryffindor tower or buried beneath the earth next to them, they’d be home.


End file.
